So · Hot · Right · Now

And so, tomorrow begins finals week. I have a math final tomorrow at 8 am, but other than that, nothing. There's really nothing to worry about with the math final. I calculated my grade just now; I have an 83.5; if I got 100 on the final, I'll still only have an 87, so there's no point in studying my butt off to still get a B. On the flip side, even if I get a 70%, I'll still have an 81. So, unless I totally fail the test, I'll get a B, which is fine by me.

And then the rest of the day will be spent studying for the rest of them!

I can't wait to go home. Max and Ethan come home on Saturday--I'm SO excited, and I'm picking Tanice up from the airport on Friday. I can't wait to see Maxi! And Tony has promised to take me to the Grove to see Geisha, and go ice skating, over break, so that'll be totally fun.

Ya know, next month will be our one year anniversary. I can't believe it. I can't even keep a lipgloss for a year, and I kept a boyfriend? This must be true love, lol. He makes my life so much more meaningful. I love him (:

There are essentially 2 weeks left. Very exciting. I'm hanging in there, still surviving. I think, now, in my third year of college, I've finally developed a work ethic. Whaddya know?

My project for Christmas break is my body. It will be a science experiment- how much better looking can I become in a month? I'm so fat right now. And I don't even have time to do anything about it. I've gained ten pounds since school started. It must be lost, plus more, by Spring semester.

Anyway. I don't really like livejournal as much as I used to (hence the utter lack of entries), but I'm not ready to give up on it. I'm still going to try to write every once and awhile. I just don't feel like it right now...so...goodnight!

I'm ready to transform again. Right now it begins.

Go to google.com and put in "(your name) needs" and then list your funniest results!

Kristi's Needs:

"Kristi needs 300,000 dollars"

"Kristi needs to be patient"

"Kristi needs help"

"Kristi needs to know exactly what time she is to be doing something and exactly
how it is to be done"

"Kristi needs to step up and deliver this year in a way that we all know she is
capable of"

"Kristi needs to look alive

Kristi needs to shut up badly"

"Kristi needs a safari hat"

Life seems so short if you look at it on the whole. It really, really does.

80 years if you're lucky, and it seems like the first twenty are spent in preparation for the next 60, and the last 20 are spent recovering from the first 60.

So that leaves you with a gap of forty years in the middle. I guess I then enter that gap next month.

Lots of homework to do tonight. Read a novella, do a topical study, and write a paper. I'm going to try to go work out tonight- I'm going to start working out, because I really don't get any exercise. Not because I'm lazy, necessarily, but just because I'm so busy with school and work. But taking care of my body is important (duh), so I really need to start this. So tonight I think I'll go after I do a little reading.

I can't wait to finish school and be a teacher and be married and live in Mississippi and have a baby!

Not that I'm not happy right now, being a student and learning and working and being Tony's girlfriend (what could be better?) (:

Every once and awhile you start to think you're a decent person, and you harbor some hope in humanity itself, and entertain the notion that life is a pleasant little escapade.

And then you do something that ruins everything, and with even a few simple words are able to crush another person. And then you remember that you are not good, nor is there anything good in you, and of course you're going to hurt other people's feelings- or rather, obliterate them.

And there's nothing you can do to redeem your actions or yourself. All you can do is sit and sob the reality of everything is so raw at the moment.

This moment. But I'm going to cherish this moment, because it makes me long for something else besides this earth.

Okay, so next week, we don't have school W, Th, Fr. And how convenient is this- someone from home called and asked me to babysit all day on Thursday, which makes up (in pay) for me not working W, Th, F (cuz I'm going home). I'm going to try to get a lot of reading done. Moby Dick is our next book on the list for "Great Books," and that's like, 600 or 700 pages. We just had a week to finish Crime and Punishment, which I actually loved.

School's still going really well. I'm having a lot of fun learning. I feel like my brain was on hiatus for a year at Moorpark, but now it's back to business.

I have a new plan. Instead of getting my Master's degree right after college, I'm going to apply to work at Oaks, and then, after a few years there, go back to school again, and that way I'll have money.

Well, I better get ready for a class that's in twenty minutes.

Bye!

Today marks the end of the third week of school/the new job, and everything really is continuing to be good. I've been getting all my homework done, and understanding everything, and the job is going well, too. Last night I babysat until 10:30, which was a bit exhausting, because then there's homework, piano, soccer, dinner, and all that to take care of for Morgan.

I can't wait to go home tonight after babysitting (well, not home, persay, but Tony's house). I've gone home every weekend so far, lol.

Chapel starts in 25 minutes, so I should probably get off and finish getting ready.

So, school's going really well. I've been working ahead in most of my classes, am actually completely comprehending math, and am not overwhelmed yet. I really like my new roomate (her name is Sam) and I like my RA, too. I absolutely love my job, and it's totally perfect for me. I'm not broke, and I'm so busy that I don't have much time to shop!

Today I have class from 9:35 to 11 (that's my only class on T and Th, but all the other days are packed), and then work at 3:30, and then after work, small groups from 7-8. Small groups, by the way, for those of you who don't go to TMC, are basically divisions of the wing that get together once a week. Like, our group is big, and has 9 girls (there's usually only four or five) and the point is to talk about what's going on in our lives, and pray for each other, and sometimes do bible study.

So today is a relatively unbusy day. After I'm done writing here, I'll take a shower and get ready to go, and then after class, I'll read William Blake's "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell," and read a little bit of the Spanish Tragedy. Today while babysitting, if I can borrow it from someone, I'll read some of The Go Between, which is due Wed.

Anyway, I'm so happy and I love it here! I really miss Tony, though ): But we talk a bazillion times a day, so it's okay.

So the Resident Director set the fire alarm off this morning when taking a shower, so the whole dorm woke up before 7. It was kind of funny. Anyway, since we were up, my roomate and I went to breakfast (I have one now), and now I'm back in my room, probably going to work ahead on some math homework. I really do not want to go to chapel today - Dick Mayhue is speaking, and if you've gone to Master's, you know that he is very, very dry. I'm going, though, probably, because I don't want to waste a chapel miss.

I'm going home tonight after I babysit, and I get paid again today! Yay! Two weeks, and I still love my job (:

I haven't seen Tony since Monday night, so it'll be really fun to see him tonight! I can't wait to kiss him!

I like all my classes A LOT. Well, except maybe Age of Romanticism, because the teacher is kind of boring and just talks.

Anyway. That's all.

I'm taking 18 units, and all but three of them are upper division English. Age of Romanticism, Great Books, American Literature, Drama as Literature. In Great Books alone, we are reading the following: Candide, The Knight's Tale, Madame Bovary, The Go Between, Crime and Punishment, 6 short stories by Hawthorne, Bartleby the Scriviner, Moby Dick, Heart of Darkness, Dracula, Rime of the Ancient Mariner, Name of the Rose, and the Mezzanine. Several of these are six hundred pagers.

I also will be babysitting 12 hours a week.

I'm excited- I feel like a real English major, now that I'm into the ridiculously hard portion. I read Voltaire's Candide last Saturday afternoon, and I've jumped into Bovary. I just have to find time for the other classes' readings.

Currently I don't have a roomate, which is absolutely heavenly.

Everything, I suppose you could say, is going great, except for one thing; I miss Tony that I feel achey inside. It's like, I became one with another person, and then I was ripped away from him, and it's not supposed to be like that. I don't wish to be independent of him. He came and stayed with me all day Sunday, and is coming tomorrow morning for a little bit. He starts school tomorrow. These next couple of years are going to be hard.

Well, I finally was able to register today. My classes for fall: Age of Romanticism, Drama as Literature, The Gospel of John, American Literature 1, and math. Hopefully I can get one more English or Bible class. All I really have left anymore are upper division bible and English classes, more English than bible obviously. I'm scared, but in a good way.

2. More. Days.

I can't believe it.

I need to find boxes somewhere to put my stuff in, but I don't know where to find clean ones.

I. Can't. Wait.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I'm going to miss Tony so much. Lacey got home tonight after being on the East coast for five weeks. She didn't see her boyfriend that whole time. Tony was saying how he couldn't imagine that, and neither could I. You could not pay me to go to an out of state college and not be able to see him on the weekends. I don't know how Lacey does it.

I read today that Britney Spears' dog's name is "Lacy" today. That annoyed me.

A little while ago, I was in the bathroom tweezing my eyebrows, and I had been doing it for like 10 minutes. Now, the only thing I was only looking at were my eyebrows, and was oblivious to everything else. Then all of a sudden I felt something on my forehead, and I looked up, and there was a huge daddy long legs on my forehead, and it scared me SO bad. I screamed my head off, and jumped back, and my mom came running out of her room. She said she'd never heard me scream that loud ever, lol. The spider had come down from the ceiling, so I hadn't noticed it, but it just really, really startled me. I feel silly now, because it's just a spider. Why is it that spiders are so scary? They're gross and crawly and, sure, some of them are deadly, but most of them aren't. So why do I, and the majority of people, flip out when we see one? I don't know, but I do know I just don't like them.

For a long while there, I was going to bed by 11, but lately, I've been staying up til 12 or 1. I have to get back to going to bed early.

Tony and I still haven't gone to SeaWorld, and we have to go by September 5th, or our tickets expire. He's still sick, so I don't know if we're going tomorrow, but probably not. We'll most likely go on Wednesday.

Night night.

Well, today's all up in the air. I might be babysitting at 2, but I don't know because the family wasn't sure they needed me today and they're not answering their phone. Master's still doesn't have my transcripts, but they might because they haven't gone through their mail from Saturday yet, so I'm waiting on that.

I want to start packing, but I don't have boxes and I don't know where to get them.

I need to get my tires rotated but I really don't want to go wait while they do it, but I have to do it by Friday.

I have a rash all over my stomach and sides and the bottom of my breasts. I have no idea what it is. It's not bumpy or anything, but rather like my skin is raw. It's red and it hurts. I wonder what it is. I've had it for a couple of days. Maybe it's just from stress or something.

In some ways, I'm so happy to be leaving, and yet, at the same time, I find myself crying when I think about it.

Leaving officially marks the end of the beginning; the beginning, that is, of us, Tony and I. On Tuesday, we will have been dating for seven months. So that's a little bit longer than a "beginning," but this will clearly define a point when the beginning ended.

Things are real now. It's not that wonderfully blissful time when everything not so pleasant in your life is overlooked and glossed over because you are so enamored that nothing else but your lover matters. It's not the time when you can't wipe the silly grin off your face just because.

I know his flaws, and he knows mine. I don't entertain the notion that Tony's perfect, nor does he about me. There's futures to be planned, and work to be done, and considerations to be had, reservations to be made and everyday minutia that weighs a person down.

With me leaving, I am leaving not only for school, but I'm leaving him, and the state that things have been in hitherto for are over. Never, until we get married, after this will we have as much time to just be together as we have had these last few months. When I get back, I'll have to have a "real" job during the summer, and soon thereafter he'll leave for the Marines or graduate school, and it really isn't certain whether or not we'll be married then.

Sometimes I wish I could see the future; just see what is going to happen, so I can relax and submit to fate. But it doesn't work like that.

Apparently you have to create your own fate and find out as you go. Looking ahead would just be too easy (:

Tony, who is usually up at 8, is 22 today and still asleep because he's sick and took medicine that essentially knocks him out. I wish he were up, I want to be with him.

Today we're going to lunch with his parents and maybe one of his sisters, and then if he feels like it still, we're going to the Getty. If he doesn't feel like it, though, then we'll just go next week.

It's cloudy outside and looks kind of ocld, so that's fun.

I leave next Friday. That's means four (five counting today) days until I leave. I CANNOT wait, but I have been sad, because I'm scared to leave Tony. I love him so much, I don't want to be away from him for potentially weeks at a time.

We went out to B.J.'s with Jason, Lacey F. (from the republican club), and her boyfriend, and then we went and saw The Great Raid, which is actually a really amazing movie. I hadn't seen any trailers for it, but everyone should see it. It's a true story, and it's this rescue mission that took place during WWII. There were 500 POWs in Capatuan (which I think is in Japan or the Phillipines) and they'd been in prison there for 3 years, and the American soldiers had to devise this elaborate plan to rescue them. The movie also covers the underground Americans and Phillipinos that were working to get the prisoners medicine and food.

Okay, well I guess that's it for now.

As usual, I can't sleep (:

I've been thinking about Heaven. Now, Heaven is supposed to be great, a place completely absent of evil where everything is focused on worshipping on God.

But can I be honest? The thought of death and heaven scare me anyway. Because how do we know if we'll see the people we love after? Now, I know I missing the big picture if I just focus on that, but it concerns me.

What if we don't know anybody? What if our identities are completely different and everyone is just a soul and there is no recollection or remembrance of your husband? Obviously, once you're there it won't matter, because you won't know the difference, but this side of Heaven, it's a terrifying thought that actually makes me cry if I think about it long enough.

The thought of Tony dying is beyond scary to me, and the thought of NEVER seeing him again, not even in Heaven, is even more scary.

My mom always says she'll see my Dad in Heaven (that's assuming she's going), but she really has no basis for that. She just says she knows. But the bible doesn't make any promises about such things. So it's entirely plausible that we won't know our loved ones in the afterlife. I'm sure if that is the case there's a reason for it, but here on Earth, with limited understanding, it's hard to comprehend.

I haven't gone on a vacation in I don't know how long. I didn't go anywhere this summer, or the summer before, and I don't think the summer before that either. I went to Disneyland for a couple of days with Tony and the gang in March (While we were there, on the 25th, he told me he loved me for the first time :), but that wasn't really a vacation.

But it's not like I could afford a vacation on my own, or that Tony and I could go anywhere together cuz we're not married, and I'm not about to go anywhere with my mother because that would just be Hell with different scenery.

I can't wait until I'm married and we can go on romantic trips together. It'll be so much fun.

On an unrelated note, I've been feeling especially fat lately. I assume it's just because I'm on my period, but that really doesn't make me feel any better.

When I go back to school, I'm going to try really hard to eat healthy. There's always a really nice salad bar, so that will be helpful. I definitely will not be using pills, because diet pills just make you feel sick and act like a bitch.

Tony's bday is in 3 days!

I am so stressed out. I can't sleep at night, and I've been shopping compulsively. Last night, at 12:30 am I was on eBay shopping for pashminas (I bought 3) and I spent 140 in 2 hours during the day (don't worry, I'll return almost all of it). No more shopping unless it's absolutely necessary, and I need to make a lot of returns.

I CAN'T WAIT to leave. It's incomprehensible how badly I need to get out of here. I'll just feel better in general, knowing that I don't have to go home and deal with her. I really do believe she's manic depressive. Maybe it's wrong to want to leave again so bad, but I can't help it, it's how I feel. She won't let me help her with anything, and I have never, in my life, encountered someone so mean.

8 days, almost 7. I can't wait.

There's so much to be done between now and then.

I suppose it's a good thing that I didn't know I was going until last week, otherwise I would have been going crazy for even longer.

Tony is sick. Poor thing has been in bed for the past two days (obviously we didn't go to SeaWorld today). I miss him. I went and saw him for a little bit, but he made me leave because he didn't want me to get sick again.

I need to get a job as soon as I get to SC. I have an interview next Sat to be a tutor for a company at 15 an hour, so I hope I get that one!